


Katherine Howard and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash

by KiwiKat_Writes



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Anna of Cleves as Dumbledore, Anne Boleyn as Ron, Catherine Parr as the stairwell ghost, Catherine of Aragon as McGonagall, Edward as Hagrid, Gen, Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Seemed to be a Large Pile of Ash, Henry as Voldyshorts, Jane as Hermione, Just dont, Katherine Howard as Harry Potter, One Shot, The Culpeppers as the Dursleys, basically crack, dont take this seriously, literally pure crack, o h, why must i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiKat_Writes/pseuds/KiwiKat_Writes
Summary: Basically Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash but I rewrote it a la SixThis is basically just a crack fic
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Katherine Howard and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash

The London castle snarled with a wave of magically modified wind. The sky outside was a great black ceiling, which was full of blood. The only sounds drifting from Edward’s hut was the disdainful shrieks of his own furniture. Magic: it was something that Katherine Howard thought was very good. Leathery sheets of rain lashed at Katherine’s ghost as she walked across the castle to the grounds. Anne was standing there and doing a kind of frenzied tap dance. She saw Katherine and immediately began to eat Jane Seymour’s family. Anne’s Anne shirt was just as bad as Anne herself.   
“If you two can’t clump happily, I’m going to have to get aggressive,’ confessed the reasonable Jane.   
“What about Anne magic?” offered Anne. To Katherine, Anne was a loud, slow, and soft bird. Katherine did not like to think about birds.   
“Ladies in Waiting are on top of the castle!” Anne bleated, quivering. Anne was going to be spiders. She just was. She wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not to have spiders all over her body after all is said and done.   
“Look,” said Jane. “Obviously there are loads of Ladies in Waiting in the castle. Let’s listen in on their meetings.” The three complete friends zapped onto the landing outside the door to the castle roof. They almost legged it, but queens are not climbing. Anne looked at the doorknob and then looked at Jane in searing pain.  
“I think it’s closed,” she noted.  
‘Locked’, said Catherine Parr, the prettily robed queen. They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was   
“BEEF WOMEN,” Jane cried.  
Katherine, Anne, and Jane quietly stood behind a circle of Ladies in Waiting who looked bad.  
“I think it’s okay if you like me,” said one Lady in Waiting.  
“Thank you very much,” replied the other. The first Lady in Waiting confidently leaned forward to plant a kiss on the other one’s cheek.  
“Oh, well done!” said the second as her friend stepped back again. All the other Ladies in Waiting clapped politely. Then they all took a few minutes to go over the plan to get rid of Katherine’s magic. Katherine could tell that Henry VIII was standing right behind her. She felt a great overreaction. Katherine tore her eyes from her head and threw them into the forest. Henry VIII raised his eyebrows at Katherine, who could not see anything at the moment.   
“Henry, you’re a very bad and mean person,” Katherine savagely said. Jane nodded encouragingly. The tall Lady in Waiting was wearing a shirt that said ‘Jane has Forgotten How to Dance,’ so Jane dipped her face in mud. Anne threw a heely at Henry and everyone applauded. Anne smiled. Anne reached for her heely slowly.   
“Anne’s the pretty one,” muttered Katherine as she reluctantly reached for hers. They cast a spell or two, and jets of green light shot out of the Ladies in Waiting’s heads. Anne flinched.  
“Not so pretty now,” thought Katherine as she dipped Jane’s family in hot sauce. The Ladies in Waiting were dead now, and Katherine was hungrier than she had ever been.

The Great Hall was filled with incredible moaning chandeliers and a large librarian who had decorated the sink with books about masonry. Mountains of mice exploded. Several long pumpkins fell out of Catherine of Aragon. Anna of Cleves’ hair scooted next to Jane as Anna of Cleves arrived at school. The pig of the Boleyn clan pulsed like a large bullfrog. Anna smiled at it, and placed her hand on its head:   
“You are Edward now.”  
“We’re the only people who matter. He’s never gonna get rid of us.” Katherine, Jane, and Anne said in chorus. The floor of the castle seemed like a large pile of magic. The Culpeppers had never been to the castle and they were not about to come there in Katherine Howard and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash. Katherine looked around and then fell down the spiral staircase for the rest of the summer.   
“I’m Katherine Howard,” Katherine began yelling. “The dark arts better be scared, oh boy!”


End file.
